


Stop me if you've heard this one before

by Hangmans_Radio



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Adultery, Domestic Violence, M/M, angsty sex, so many references to The Smiths it will make you sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 08:51:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6277816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hangmans_Radio/pseuds/Hangmans_Radio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whilst trying to play the part of the happily married, straight man, Gerard falls hopelessly in love with a much younger man. Sooner or later he has to make the choice between his wife and his lover, but sometimes the right decision can turn out wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop me if you've heard this one before

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm trying to re-kindle my writing motivation and I'm thinking writing one shots is the way to go for me for a while. This one actually ended up a lot longer than I thought it was going to, but I had a ton of fun writing it. I apologise in advance for how often The Smiths find their way in this, but they just seem to be consuming my life right now. Everyone has a Smiths phase though, right?
> 
> ...Anywho, the only other thing to mention is I was originally not going to give Gerard's wife a name in this at all. But then it kind of got too awkward to just refer to her as 'the wife', and after playing around with different names I just found it easier to use Gerard's actual real family as the characters. But just to be transparent, as we all know this is fiction, and these ARE just characters and in no way reflect my feelings for the real people. 
> 
> Other than that, proceed!

The clock ticking on the wall seemed painfully loud, each second passing by with a loud _clunk… Clunk… Clunk..._

Frank was staring at Gerard with wide, disbelieving eyes. 

Gerard was staring sadly at his hands in his lap, refusing to meet Frank’s gaze. 

The clock tick, tick, ticked on the wall.

Finally, Frank managed to find his voice. 

“So… So… This is it?” Even to himself he sounded pathetically sad. He had promised himself long ago that he would not allow himself to fall for Gerard, but somewhere along the line he had forgotten about it and fallen he had. 

_It’s only called falling in love because you hit the ground._

Frank knew better than to ignore the messages music gives us, but even though he had had the Queens of the Stone Age album playing in his car just that very evening, he still had never imagined he’d be feeling this now.

“I’m sorry Frank…” This seemed to be the only thing Gerard was capable of saying tonight. He had said it six times already at least. But his words fell flat and meaningless on Frank’s ears. 

“You’re choosing her, over me?” Frank wrinkled his face up in confusion, trying to understand. He had always known, deep down, that the choice would have to be made eventually. But honestly he had never imagined Gerard would choose _her_. 

“It isn’t like that.” Gerard sighed, still inspecting his hands. 

“Isn’t it?” Frank managed to keep his voice soft. Part of him was feeling angry, but he didn’t really have the energy to let it show. It was his own fault really, how stupid of him to fall in love. 

“You know how much you mean to me.” Gerard whispered, still not daring to look at Frank. If he looked at him, he wouldn’t be able to carry on. 

“I thought I did.” Frank gazed at the back of Gerard’s head, wanting him to turn around but feeling powerless to ask him to. 

“I’m not choosing her over you.” Gerard started to pick at his fingernails, snapping them in time to the ticking of the clock. “But now she’s found out about us, if she suspects me ever again I’ll lose everything.” 

“Uhuh.” Frank nodded, his chest growing painfully tight. It didn’t seem fair for Gerard to say that, as if losing Frank didn’t count at all. “What if she finds out you’ve come here tonight?”

“She already knows I’m here.” Gerard sighed heavily, lifting his thumb to his mouth to bite off a hangnail he had caused. “She agreed that you have the right to see me, so I can tell you face to face it’s over.”

“How kind of her.” Frank’s tone was emotionless, but inside he was seething. He had never met Gerard’s wife, and he had always tried to keep himself from forming an opinion about her, but right then he hated her. 

“I’m sorry Frank.” Gerard said again, only irritating Frank further. 

“Stop apologising.” Frank sighed, still staring at the back of Gerard’s head and starting to feel more and more ignored. “Are you even going to look at me?” 

Gerard visibly tensed, gnawing away at his hangnail until it finally came free. He inspected the raw skin of his thumb and wondered fleetingly if he could bare to look at Frank or whether it would be wiser to simply walk away. In the end he gave up and turned slowly to look at his lover.

“How did she find out about us?” Frank had a million questions he wanted to ask, but he supposed this was the safest place to start. He had always known Gerard’s wife would find out, after all, how long could someone keep up a secret affair? But he had never allowed himself to think about it actually happening. 

“She was looking for an old bank statement, something to do with checking an online order she had made. She saw all the hotel bookings I’ve made and she questioned it out of me.” 

Frank really felt angry then. He wanted to hit Gerard, he was so mad. 

“So you told her?”

“After hours of arguing, yes. I told her.” 

“And what did she say?” This was more out of curiosity than anything. Frank was intrigued to know what Gerard’s wife made of her husband turning out to be gay. 

“A lot.” Gerard shrugged, still exhausted over all the arguing and discussions that had transpired since he had told his wife a week ago.

“Did you tell her you’re gay?” Frank asked, feeling his chest hurt more and more now he was looking at Gerard’s sweet, stupid face. 

“Yes.” Gerard winced slightly at the memory. “Turns out she’s always suspected… She thought I was bisexual but I told her the truth. I told her I’m only attracted to men.” 

Frank nodded slowly, only hurting more. If Gerard had told her that, then why couldn’t he leave her? Why would she want him to stay if he had said he wasn’t attracted to her?

“I told her I’ve always used our relationship as a way to hide how I really feel, but that I really did love her. I did love her Frank, I mean we’ve got children, of course I love her. If I didn’t I’d never be able to… ya know… Perform.” 

Frank tried not to screw his face up at that, really not wanting to imagine Gerard having sex with his wife. He already knew he had kids, so of course he knew they had sex, but he liked to imagine their sex life had dried out ever since he had been sleeping with Frank.

“But you told her you like men? You told her you’re gay?”

“Yes.” Gerard nodded, facing Frank now but still keeping his eyes on his hands. “She tried to be understanding. But she said we owe it to our kids to work things out. She’s willing to forgive me for cheating, and I can’t pass that up.”

“Fucking hell.” Frank scoffed, shaking his head and jumping to his feet. He crossed the hotel room to grab his cigarettes from his jacket pocket. His fingers brushed against the condoms he had brought with him and he almost laughed. He thought Gerard had brought him here for another amazing night together; what a joke.

“Frank…” Gerard turned to watch Frank walking away, his eyes stinging from all the tears he had shed the past few days. 

“I just don’t understand. If you’re gay Gerard, then why stay with her? I mean, I knew you’d have to choose eventually but I thought you’d choose _me_.” Did he sound childish now? Spoilt? Frank thought he might do, but he couldn’t hold back anymore. 

“Frank… My children…”

“Are teenagers Gerard! They’ll cope.” Frank angrily lit his cigarette, glancing up at the clock that was ticking loudly just above his head. 

“It’s not fair on them Frank… I can’t imagine what it would do to them. Having their parents divorce, having their dad turn out to be gay, to have to hear that I’ve got a lover barely any older than they are.” Gerard blushed deeply, hating to reveal that even to himself. Frank was only twenty four, Gerard was twenty years his senior. 

“So you’re just going to keep pretending?” Frank clarified, taking long, hungry drags on his cigarette. “Keep pretending you love your wife, and that you don’t secretly wish she was a man?” Frank laughed hollowly, shaking his head. 

“This has not been an easy decision for me Frank.” Gerard could see that he was hurting his young lover, and that hurt even more than upsetting his wife. He had never intended for things to go as far as they had, but every time he had tried to quit Frank before he hadn’t been strong enough. He was so addicted to him.

Frank inhaled smoke deep into his lungs and gazed at Gerard with hurt, fiery eyes. He couldn’t think of anything more to say. He had no argument to make Gerard change his mind. He could see that Gerard was wearing his wedding ring, something he never did when they were together, and that told Frank all he needed to know. 

“If I was to come out… If I left her, and told everyone the truth…” Gerard was speaking quietly, almost to himself. “I’m not strong enough to do that.” He admitted, so ashamed of himself. 

Frank ached all over as he gazed at Gerard, his heart tearing itself to pieces. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be stronger, but he didn’t know how to help.

“Okay…” Frank waited until he had finished his cigarette before he spoke again. “Okay… I… I respect your decision.” 

Gerard looked at Frank in surprise. He could hear how much it hurt him to say those words, but said them he had. Gerard wasn’t sure he could bear it. 

“I only ask one thing.” Frank took a deep breath, feeling suddenly nervous in case Gerard denied him. “For the two years we’ve had together, you owe me… Please, just one last thing.” 

“Anything.” Gerard whispered, gazing with sad eyes at Frank as the young man started to walk back towards him. 

“Let me have one last night with you.” Frank’s voice was delicate, afraid of rejection. “Please.”

“Frank…” Gerard looked ready to refuse, only holding back because Frank looked at him like that… So fragile. “I… Lindsay is expecting me home…”

“Just an hour then.” Frank compromised, sauntering to Gerard and crawling into his lap, pushing him slowly up the hotel bed. “Please Gee… Just one, little hour… Let me have just one try at changing your mind…” 

Gerard opened his mouth to refuse, knowing it would be extremely unfair to let Frank do that. He wasn’t going to change his mind. He was a father, he had responsibilities much more important than his own desires. 

“Frankie, no…” He whispered, but he didn’t try to push Frank away when he lowered his face into his neck and started to kiss softly. “Frank, it isn’t fair…” 

“No it isn’t.” Frank agreed, voice soft and gentle in Gerard’s ear. “It isn’t fair that I have to lose you. I _love_ you Gerard.” 

Gerard released a soft, weak noise that made Frank’s heart squeeze painfully. He could feel Gerard’s jaw working, but no matter how he tried he couldn’t say it back. He used to say it so easily, but now he couldn’t do it. How could he tell Frank he loved him? How could he do that to him, when he knew he was going to be walking away.

Frank didn’t care that Gerard didn’t say it. He could feel he was losing him, like trying to grip onto sand and just watching it pour through your fingers. He knew he could give him the best lay of his life and he’d still leave him afterwards. But that was all Frank was good for, really. A good lay. 

Frank felt overwhelmed then, angry and sad and all messed up. How could things have changed so dramatically so suddenly? He bit hard against Gerard’s neck and then sucked even harder before the older man could push him away. He hoped his wife saw the mark and he hoped it made her sick to the stomach. 

“Frankie please.” Gerard whined, not sure what he was asking for. He needed to get up and leave, but his hands were on Frank’s slim hips and Frank’s lips were warm and tender once more along his throat. From day one Frank had always managed to control him. 

Gerard could feel the skin Frank had bitten throbbing painfully, and he knew there would be a large black mark there for days. He had always been so careful to never let Frank mark him, in case his wife saw, but now she knew, so what did it matter? 

“Frank… You know I can’t do this…” Gerard’s protests were growing weaker and weaker, and it was clear Frank wasn’t listening. He pulled back just long enough to look into Gerard’s eyes and make his stomach swirl. 

“Frank -”

Frank cut him off with a swift kiss to his lips, keeping his eyes open long enough to see Gerard close his before he did the same. He brought his hands up to the sides of Gerard’s face and kept him still as he kissed him, soft and slow and sweet… He hadn’t kissed him so gently in a long time. But for once he wasn’t consumed with lust. 

Frank hoped that Gerard could feel how much he loved him in that kiss. He gave it all he had, trying to commit every tiny detail to memory. He never wanted to forget the way Gerard’s lips felt on his, or the soft, weak sounds he emitted when Frank kissed him _just right_. 

Gerard was weakened completely by Frank’s mouth, and he almost cried as he kissed him. He cupped a hand round the back of Frank’s neck and drew him closer as he leant down against the pillows. He spread his legs so Frank could lie snug atop him, and all the time he told himself he had to go.

Frank lapped his tongue ever so gently against Gerard’s lower lip, dipping inside his mouth when he was granted entrance but then he was pulling away to kiss down Gerard’s throat once more. 

Gerard lifted a hand to his eyes and covered them, feeling breathless and hot. He had never felt so torn in his life, and he was powerless to move as Frank ever so gently pulled apart button after button on his shirt, taking his time to kiss and lick at every bit of flesh that was exposed as he pulled the material apart. 

Once the shirt was fully open, Frank’s hands played along the button of Gerard’s jeans. He didn’t open them right away, just teased Gerard as he kissed softly all over his chest and stomach. Beautiful, beautiful Gerard… Frank wanted to remember all of him. Every stretch mark, every scar, every freckle. He wouldn’t forget. He wouldn’t, he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t. 

Gerard watched Frank with half lidded eyes, a lump in his throat. It felt dirty and wrong for him to be getting hard at a time like this, but he couldn’t stop the flood of arousal that Frank inspired in him. Even with his eyes full of pain and his jaw tense, Frank still looked incredibly sexy. 

“Frankie…” Gerard’s voice sounded thick and he struggled to clear his throat as he touched Frank’s cheek, making him look at him. “Kiss me again?” 

Frank looked at Gerard for a moment, almost as if he hadn’t heard, but then slowly… slowly, he worked his way back up his body and tenderly met his lips once more. 

Gerard kept his eyes open this time, wanting to see Frank’s face so close, his eyelashes almost touching his cheeks. He let his hands run through his hair and cradle his neck, shifted his hips slightly so that he could feel the bulge in Frank’s jeans against his own. God he loved him, he hated that he loved him.

Frank pulled back from Gerard’s lips for just a second, blushing as he opened his eyes and realised Gerard had been watching him. He ran his thumb along the bone in Gerard’s cheek and felt his heart stutter in its rhythm. Gerard wouldn’t leave him. How could he leave him?

“Stay with me.” Frank whispered, kissing Gerard again before he could have time to reply; just incase he refused. 

Gerard sighed into Frank’s mouth. He kept one hand on the back of his neck and moved the other down the line of Frank’s spine, to rest in the dimples of his lower back. He lifted his own hips gently in a wave like motion, starting to rub up against his lover. 

Frank didn’t need much persuasion and he nudged his own hips down in reply. Their kiss deepened, and Gerard’s fingers started to knot into Frank’s hair. The grip on his lower back tightened too, until he was gripping Frank so possessively he practically crushed their bodies together, rubbing up against him with growing fever.

“Stay..” Frank gasped, pressing his hips down hard into Gerard’s and then kissing him again, never letting him answer. 

Gerard didn’t even want to answer. He couldn’t promise Frank that he would stay, although he wanted to. He couldn’t even tell him that he wanted to. Once again he was resigning himself to a life of lies. He would play the part of the loyal, straight husband, and forever try to forget the way Frank was making him feel right then.

“Stay… Stay, stay, stay…” Frank whispered between nips and kisses down Gerard’s chest. His hands had found their way to Gerard’s jeans once more, working free the button and pulling down the zip. Gerard couldn’t stop himself from lifting his hips up eagerly. 

“I love you Gerard… Love you, so much…” Frank was kissing along Gerard’s soft stomach, nipping playfully at the skin whilst his hands rubbed the creases of his thighs. He still hadn’t pulled his jeans down, but Gerard’s erection was now straining in his underwear; bulging through the fly of his jeans. 

“I… I love you too…” Gerard managed to choke out, his chest pains getting worse with the admission. This wasn’t helping at all, he knew that it wasn’t, but he just couldn’t stop. One hour wasn’t really that much to ask for, was it? 

Frank groaned in soft delight to hear Gerard finally say it too and he eagerly pulled his jeans down his hips and chucked them to the floor.

Sitting up, Gerard started to undress Frank too. Pulling him in for more kisses as he did so. He sucked and bit at Frank’s lower lip, teased his tongue with his own, and tugged every scrap of clothing off of him until Frank was completely naked, his hands pressed deep into Gerard’s underwear. 

Gerard groaned huskily and tugged at Frank’s hair, lifting his hips so Frank could drag his boxers down his legs. He was starting to grow bleary enough that he was no longer worrying about leaving, and was instead concentrating only on the throbbing deep in his core and how he knew Frank was going to make him feel so good. 

“Don’t move.” Frank suddenly rasped into Gerard’s mouth. He darted off the bed without warning, leaving Gerard feeling cold and abandoned. But within seconds Frank was back, a condom in hand. 

“You came prepared.” Gerard smiled almost sadly and Frank shrugged, avoiding his gaze. 

“How was I supposed to know you were breaking up with me?”

Gerard winced, feeling guilt rush back. Frank cringed too, knowing it wasn’t fair to say that. Technically he and Gerard had never been a couple. In fact, they had only ever meant to have a one night stand. But somehow one night led to another, and then another and another and before they knew it two years had gone by and probably would have kept going if Lindsay had never found out. 

Frank didn’t want to think about it anymore, and he kissed Gerard hungrily again before dipping down his body to kiss along his inner thighs. Gerard sighed and tipped his head back, but he couldn’t relax. Not anymore. 

“Frank…” He considered asking Frank to stop again. He didn’t feel in the mood for this anymore. But Frank wasn’t stopping… and neither was Gerard, really. Especially when he felt Frank’s soft, warm lips wrap around the tip of his cock. 

“Frank…” Gerard’s whine was full of longing and despair and he began to tremble as Frank swallowed him down. His cock throbbed with each sweep of Frank’s tongue and his hands found their way back into his hair, pulling gently to guide him to all the places that felt especially good. 

Frank was a generous lover, he always had been, and he sucked and licked until Gerard was moaning breathlessly beneath him. He sucked lustily at his tip, kissed his way down the shaft, took each globe of his testicles into his mouth and sucked before starting all over again. His fingers worked a massage into Gerard’s thighs, and his own erection bobbed up towards his stomach whenever a particularly desperate moan would cause his muscles to clench.

The condom was opened without Gerard noticing, the older man only becoming aware of it when Frank rolled it down his length using his mouth. It was a skill he had demonstrated many times before, but right then it nearly undid Gerard completely. 

The boy was perfect, simply perfect, how could he ever leave? 

Gerard was dizzy before Frank even moved above him but by the time he was sinking inside him he was damn near faint. He could only watch weakly as Frank rode him, rolling his hips and making every muscle in his body ripple so deliciously. He pulled Gerard apart from the inside, unpicking him like a loose seam, making him watch everything and fall in love with him ten times over. 

Frank kept his eyes fixed on Gerard’s face, trying to see the moment he convinced him to stay; but the moment never came and Frank couldn’t hold back any longer; no more than Gerard could. The only consolation was that Frank managed to time things so perfectly that they climaxed together, and he pressed himself to Gerard’s chest, almost sobbing as he came and Gerard pulsed inside him.

Gerard held Frank tight and peppered his face in kisses. He didn’t dare say anything, couldn’t bring himself to even if he tried. He held Frank until his hour was up and then past that. He held him even after they had untangled themselves and Frank had started to cry. He held him and kissed him until the tears ran out and Frank grew woozy his arms. He held him for a further ten minutes after Frank had fallen asleep, but then he had to let him go and he took the chance to leave before Frank woke up, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to his face. 

xXx

“I can’t believe you still have that.” Gerard was laughing as Lindsay wandered past him, clutching a red waistcoat that had been a favourite of hers about twenty years ago. 

“Are you kidding? I could never have gotten rid of this.” Lindsay smirked, holding it up and inspecting it. It still had all the old badges that she had put on it when she was young, though they were looking a little faded. The fabric was still bright though. “I’m not sure it would fit me anymore though.”

To test this Lindsay started to put her arms through the holes, shrugging the waistcoat over her shoulders and testing the range of the fabric around her front. “Oh my God!” She half laughed, half groaned as she managed to pull the buttons together, but only just. 

“Looks good.” Gerard chuckled, laughing when Lindsay immediately whipped the waistcoat straight back off again.

“Jesus, I can’t believe I was ever so thin!” She scoffed, continuing past Gerard and down the hall to Bandit’s room. 

“I know the feeling.” Gerard teased, flicking the page of the book he was reading. Lindsay was still slim, but Gerard had long ago lost his jutting hipbones and tight stomach. He had refused to believe in middle aged spread until it happened to him, and now he was definitely a lot softer round the edges. 

Lindsay knocked on Bandit’s door and then passed the waistcoat through it when it opened a crack. “We need to go in ten minutes.” She reminded their daughter before she walked back to hers and Gerard’s room. 

“Are you ready to go mister?” She asked, a playful gleam in her eyes. 

Gerard heaved a great sigh, but smiled a little as he nodded. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

It was Bandit’s first ever ‘real’ gig. Just a small, local, battle of the bands at a bar Lindsay used to play in with her high school band. But it was the first time the audience wouldn’t be entirely consisted of the Way family and friends, and Bandit was full of nerves. Gerard was nervous too, never one to take to the stage himself… except for that one disastrous school play…

Lindsay was stood by her mirror, topping up her eyeliner and lipstick. She had tied her hair into a messy pony tail, but it went well with her Nirvana t-shirt and skinny jeans. Gerard kind of hated her for still being able to pull off such an outfit. He felt like a typical embarrassing dad, in dark jeans and a black sweater. It was as rockstar as his look went nowadays.

“Alright, ready to go?” Lindsay dropped her lipstick back into her make-up bag and turned to grin at Gerard. She looked incredibly beautiful and Gerard’s heart ached a little. He was trying very hard to love her. 

“Ready.” He smiled, getting up and heading downstairs to make sure Bandit had all her gear ready whilst Lindsay went to fetch her. 

For a whole year Gerard had stayed loyal to his wife and his family. He hadn’t seen Frank since their last night in the hotel, and he had made a conscious effort to not so much as look at any other man. Sometimes he dreamt of Frank, or found himself thinking longingly of him, but he was doing his best to forget him. 

On nights like this it was easy to convince himself he had done the right thing. He loved his family dearly, he didn’t want to miss out on these moments. 

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Bandit was groaning, appearing on the driveway, wearing her mother’s red waistcoat and looking so much like her when she was that age. Gerard had to rub his eyes and felt choked up seeing his little girl so grown up and so… like her mum. 

“You’re going to do amazing.” Lindsay was telling her, grinning excitedly as she bounced to the car. “I was nervous my first battle of the bands too, but you’ll smash it!”

“Uhuh…” Bandit really did feel sick, but she at least got into the car and allowed Gerard to drive them all to the venue. 

On arrival Bandit met up with her band mates, she gave her parents a quick kiss each and then she was gone, disappearing round the back to prepare with her friends. 

Gerard led the way into the front of the bar, settling himself at a table with Lindsay after buying a drink each. He was feeling more and more nervous when he saw how busy the place was and he jumped when Lindsay’s hand suddenly touched his thigh. 

“You okay?” She asked, smiling softly at him and he nodded, forcing a smile. 

“Just a little nervous.” He admitted. 

“You’re so cute.” Lindsay laughed, squeezing his knee and looking at him with soft, sparkling eyes. “I love you so much Mr. Way.” She whispered, leaning in for a soft peck on the lips. 

“You too.” The words came automatically for Gerard, but even a year on he felt a little anxious when he said it. He didn’t want Lindsay to think he was trying to convince her of something that wasn’t true. He did love her dearly, the only time he struggled in their relationship now was in the bedroom, but Lindsay was giving him all the time he needed. 

Gerard didn’t think all the time in the world was going to help him now. 

Lindsay was in high spirits that evening, but Gerard couldn’t seem to relax. There was a buzz in the air, along with an electric tension; maybe it was just because of the competition about to take place; maybe Gerard was just nervous for Bandit. Either way, he didn’t feel right. 

When Bandit and her band came on stage Gerard forced himself to concentrate on them and for the three songs they played he smiled and cheered along with his wife. Bandit was nervous to begin with, that was clear, but she seemed to relax as time went on and she even flashed them a grin near the end of their final song. 

Bandit was a bass player, just like her mother, and Gerard was certain she did fantastic. The music didn’t do much for him, if he was honest. But as the other bands came on none of the music did. He supposed he was too much of an old man now, to feel connected to what teenagers were saying. 

Bandit’s band performed first, two other bands followed, and then a fourth act came on to close the show. Gerard was on his third soda, and Lindsay was sipping from a bottle of beer. There was still no sign of Bandit. 

As the final band walked on stage Gerard looked over with little interest. This band was a little older than the others, though not by much. Only their tattoos really gave them away as being older than eighteen. They had an easier swagger too, probably because they had been able to drink before performing. 

Gerard watched them pulling on guitar straps and stepping up to microphones, and nearly fell from his seat when the singer, who had been hunched over his guitar, suddenly straightened up to the mic. 

The drummer clicked his sticks three times and the band tore into their first number, with a fire and aggression the other bands had not possessed. 

Lindsay sat up straighter, immediately interested and she was soon tapping her foot as she watched the singer tearing out vocals and shredding his guitar. She glanced at Gerard to see if he too had been blown away and she frowned a little at the expression on his face. 

“Hey, you okay?” Lindsay had to lean close and shout over the noise, but Gerard didn’t turn to look at her. “Gee?” She shouted louder, but he didn’t move his eyes off the band. 

“It’s Frank.” Gerard choked, Lindsay only seeing his mouth move but not able to hear the words. 

“What?” She shouted, frowning in confusion. 

Gerard gawped at Frank a moment longer before he finally managed to tear his eyes away and meet Lindsay’s gaze. His face was a mask of horror and Lindsay immediately felt concerned. 

“It’s Frank.” Gerard repeated, only managing to go a little louder, but Lindsay could see the word clearly on his lips. 

“Frank!?” She nearly screamed, knowing his name though she had never seen his face. Her head whipped back to the stage, her whole body growing cold as she stared at the young man who seemed to be letting out all his demons into the cramped space. 

“Frank…” Lindsay mouthed the words this time, not sure what to think or feel. He was young… _so_ young. She had always imagined Frank to be a man of Gerard’s age, perhaps similar in build. She had even imagined a muscular bear of a man, but had never imagined this… a skinny, tattooed punk rocker who looked more likely to be dating her daughter than her husband. 

Gerard felt like someone had chucked a bucket of ice water over him, sweat starting to beat down the back of his neck. He had been trying so hard not to think of Frank, but now he was seeing him… And God, he was so beautiful. So raw and tortured and _beautiful_. 

Lindsay glanced at Gerard, but there was too much to say to be able to shout it over the music. They couldn’t leave without Bandit, but she was tempted to make Gerard go home without them right now. 

Gerard couldn’t look back at his wife, too entranced by the man on the stage. 

Frank looked thinner than he remembered. If he arched his body just so, and swung his guitar like that, then his shirt rode up enough for Gerard to see the way his hip bones jutted out. He was catching glimpses of ink on his hips too, that had never been there before. 

Frank’s hair was also different. It had been shaved at the sides when Gerard last saw him, now it was overgrown, hanging in his eyes and down his neck. 

He was still gorgeous though. He looked younger almost, which made Gerard feel almost like a pervert. He couldn’t stop himself from desiring him though. Couldn’t stop the way his heart raced and his palms grew clammy, and the way he imagined Frank’s lips on his. 

 

Whilst Frank played, Gerard watched him, and Lindsay watched Gerard. Pain was coursing through her chest, and part of her wanted to grab Gerard’s chin and tear his face away from the boy on stage. But another part of her just needed to see… Needed to know how he looked at him. 

Oblivious to all of this was Frank, but he was certainly in a hell all of his own. Despite only playing three songs he was still bleeding by the end of it, just tearing himself apart on the stage. As soon as they had finished their third song he span away from the mic, dropping his guitar onto a stand and disappearing, as if he had never even been there at all. 

The silence that was left felt deafening in the few seconds it took for the ambiance music to start in the background. 

Gerard felt sick.

“Gerard?” Lindsay leant close to her husband and touched his hand, her face pale. “That was Frank?”

“Yes.” Gerard nodded, his hands shaking. “Yes.” He repeated again, clearing his throat and looking at Lindsay at last. 

Lindsay looked stricken. “He’s so young.” She whispered, barely able to take it all in. 

“Twenty four… No. Twenty five now.” Gerard whispered, his cheeks flushing with shame. “I’m sorry.” 

Lindsay didn’t seem to know what to say for a long time, she took a deep swig of her beer and then forced a quick nod. Her own hands had begun to tremble. 

“Alright… Alright well… It doesn’t matter. It was a year ago it’s… It’s over so… We can forget about this.” She tried to sound reassuring, but somehow, finally seeing the face of her husband’s ex-lover made it real for the first time. She couldn’t stop the mental images of Gerard hunched over that skinny body, doing things with him they could never do together. She felt physically repulsed. 

“We need to go home.” Gerard got to his feet like an animal that had been spooked. “I need to go.”

“Gerard, we have to wait for the winners to be announced.” Lindsay groaned, though she didn’t want to stay any longer either. She hesitated, thinking for a moment. “You go… I’ll get a cab back with B.”

Usually Gerard would have refused to leave without her, but right then he felt like he was choking so he simply nodded and turned to rush away. 

Lindsay felt her heart miss a beat, her lips tingling where Gerard had denied them a parting kiss. She didn’t know what the correct thing to do was anymore… Things had been going so well for them. She prayed that seeing Frank didn’t destroy everything. 

Outside Gerard was panting, tugging uncomfortably at his sweater. Even though the air was cold he was burning up and he fumbled for his cigarettes with one hand. He was already wracked with guilt, and he wondered whether he should just take a moment to calm down and then go back in. He shouldn’t leave, what if Bandit’s band won? He wanted to see it…

Gerard strode round the side of the bar to escape the crowds mingling outside. He finally managed to locate a cigarette and get it lit between his lips. He inhaled the smoke lustily, feeling some of his tension dissolve as he rounded the corner of the bar and continued on to stand round the back. Maybe Bandit would be there… If he could just see her, he was sure he’d feel better.

As Gerard neared the corner that would lead him to the back of the bar, he started to hear voices. He could hear laughter at first, and some sharply spoken words. One person sounded a little drunk. 

The fatherly instinct in him kicked and Gerard narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Bandit was eighteen but if he found her drinking with some wannabe rockstars then he would not be pleased. 

Gerard rounded the corner and dropped his cigarette to the ground, coming to a halt beside one of the bins as he stopped dead in his tracks. 

There were only two people behind the bar, and of course one of them just had to be Frank.

Neither of the men noticed Gerard, too fixated on their own conversation.. Or was argument a more accurate word? 

Frank was pinned up against the backstage door by a man much taller than him. The man looked older too, but not by much. His entire arms and hands were coated in black and grey tattoos, and Gerard saw a demon’s grinning face stretch when the man clenched his fist and sent it suddenly colliding into Frank’s jaw. 

Gerard stumbled backwards as Frank crumpled like waste paper, slipping down the door but never quite reaching the floor until the man was dragging him back up again.

Gerard was about to shout, step in, _do_ something when the man suddenly kissed Frank right on his bleeding mouth. 

Gerard felt paralysed again, confused and upset. 

“God will you _stop_ it now?” The man was growling against Frank’s bloodied lip. “See how mad you make me? See what you make me do?” The man pulled back, looked deep into Frank’s eyes. “You’re so pretty when you cry.”

“I’m not _crying_ you asshole!” Frank shoved the man away from him and turned to wipe the blood off his face using the back of his hand. “You made my eyes water.” He scoffed, spitting blood onto the ground. 

“I’ll do more than that when I get you home.” The man warned and Frank laughed weakly, straightening up and finally, _finally_ catching sight of their audience. 

Gerard looked like a deer in headlamps when his eyes met Frank’s. A million emotions coursed through him at once so that he couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Frank’s partner looked at him too, cocking an eyebrow at him. 

“You need something there buddy?” He asked, his voice mock-friendly and dangerous. 

“Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you doing here?” Frank’s voice was little more than a whisper, his eyes wide. 

“You know this guy?” The man who had hit Frank looked at him suspiciously, and Frank nodded dumbly. 

“Frank…” Gerard didn’t know what to say. He knew he needed to talk to Frank then, needed to take him away from that man and make sure he was okay. He stared at the blood building up again on his lip and he ached to wipe it away and kiss the wound. 

“Well!?” The man was growing angry again, but Frank calmed him with a touch to his hand. 

“Let’s go.” He whispered, his voice sticking in his throat. “I want to go home.” He almost pleaded, pulling on the man’s hand. 

The man stared at Gerard a moment longer, but then slowly he nodded and allowed Frank to start pulling him away. 

“Wait…” Gerard whispered, shaking his head, trying to clear it. “Wait! Frank, wait!” He called out this time, starting to step forward but Frank and his partner were striding away and when the man holding his hand looked over his shoulder at Gerard, Gerard found himself paralysed once more with fear. 

He let Frank go with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

That night Bandit’s band came second, losing to Frank’s. But though Lindsay sat up with interest to see the winning band re-take the stage, Frank was no longer with them and they simply accepted their cash prize and left again without a sign of him.

xXx

When Gerard got home the first thing he did was go straight into the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. 

He felt hot and feverish, overcome with emotions. He tugged his sweater over his head and tossed it aside before dry heaving a few more times over the toilet rim. His hands were shaking where they clasped the edge of the seat, and tears streaked down his cheeks.

All he had been able to think about the whole way home was the way Frank had looked when he had crumpled down the backstage door. 

Gerard kept visualising the moment he had been punched over and over again. The man who had hit him had done it just as strongly and passionately as he had kissed him and Gerard’s mind was reeling. Were they friends? Were they lovers? Was Frank being abused? Was he happy? 

Gerard cursed himself for not chasing after them. He was so pathetic, it was no wonder Frank wanted to get away from him. He must have looked a real sight, sweating and shaking in his sweater, like a real embarrassing dad. He wondered if Frank knew he had been there with Bandit.

Gerard almost threw up again, but there was nothing left to bring up. His feelings of disgust didn’t go away though. 

Feeling weak and exhausted, Gerard eventually dragged himself up to his feet. He flushed the toilet without looking down and slowly pulled his vest over his head. He didn’t know how much time he had until Lindsay and Bandit got home, but he almost wished they never came back. He didn’t want to be seen by anyone, least of all them.

Gerard turned on the shower and braved a glance in the mirror. The eyes looking back at him were the eyes of a traumatised man. He looked like he hadn’t slept in years, and his already pale skin had taken on a greyish hue. If this was what love did to you, then Disney was selling an even bigger lie than he had already imagined. 

Looking into the mirror was not making Gerard feel any better so he soon turned away, stripping himself of his jeans and underwear before stepping into the shower. He turned the temperature right up until the water was burning, scalding his skin. He felt so dirty, like he would never be clean again. He picked up the soap and scrubbed at his body until he was crimson all over, and all the time he thought of that little patch of blood on Frank’s lip, and how badly he had wanted to kiss it away. 

Gerard stood under the burning water and scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed at his skin until the soap was almost gone and his flesh was raw. He couldn’t wash away the grimy feeling consuming him, no matter how hard he scrubbed and how much he turned the temperature up.

Eventually, blushing red and aching all over, Gerard gave up with the soap and slowly sank down the wall to sit on the bottom of the shower tray. 

Time ticked slowly away as Gerard sat, legs tucked up to his chest and forehead on his knees. He closed his eyes and let the shower water patter over his spine and relived every moment he had ever had with Frank in his head. 

Bandit and Lindsay returned home whilst Gerard was still in the shower. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn’t hear them arriving, though they talked loudly downstairs and clattered about the kitchen.

Lindsay was trying to act positively for Bandit’s sake, though she was wrapped up in thoughts of Frank too. 

Bandit was a little disappointed over coming second, and even more disappointed that her father hadn’t stayed to see the winning announcements. Lindsay had told her that Gerard had come over a bit sick, and had needed to go home. She comforted herself that it wasn’t entirely a lie…

Lindsay made Bandit a drink and then left her to her own devices, saying she wanted to check on her father. 

The shower was running when Lindsay walked up the stairs, so it was easy enough to find where Gerard was hiding. She slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, locking it just in case. 

“Gee?” Lindsay poked her head round the glass wall of the shower and sighed when she saw Gerard hunched under the water. 

Gerard tensed when he heard Lindsay’s voice but he didn’t have the guts to look up and face her. He was surprised though when she slowly sat down on the floor so that she could face him whilst he remained in the shower, folding her hands in her lap.

“Are you okay?” It was a silly question really; Gerard was obviously not okay. 

“How did Bandit do?” Gerard didn’t want to lie to Lindsay, but he also didn’t want to tell her how much he was falling apart. 

“Second.” Lindsay chewed anxiously on the inside of her cheek, just watching as the shower water cascaded down Gerard’s back. “Frank’s band won.”

Gerard didn’t really know how to feel about that. He was disappointed for Bandit, and also kind of pissed off. Was Frank determined to just ruin everything? 

An awkward silence passed. 

“Gee, listen…” Lindsay considered her words carefully before she spoke, staring at Gerard the whole time. It was clear to her now that things could not have been as perfect as she thought if just the sight of Frank could cause this.

“I think… I think now is a good time to really talk about Frank.” 

Now Gerard finally looked up at Lindsay, his eyes alarmed. 

“What? Why?” He breathed, filling with dread. “I don’t want to talk about him.”

“I think we should.” Lindsay knew she could be a little demanding, but on this she wasn’t going to hold back. “I think… When I first found out about you two, I wasn’t ready to hear the whole truth. But I am now.” Lindsay took a deep breath, determined to be strong. 

“Where did you meet each other?” 

It was the simplest thing, but Lindsay had never heard the story. She didn’t have the slightest hint to go off. Now she had seen how young Frank was though, it was the first question on her mind. 

It took Gerard a long time to answer her. He was looking down at his feet again, still hunched over his knees. He wasn’t sure he was ready to have this conversation, even if his wife was, but he saw no way of backing out of it. Besides, maybe she was right. Maybe it was time. 

“It was at a bar.” Gerard eventually whispered, his voice hoarse. “A gay bar.”

Of all the things Lindsay had considered, she hadn’t imagined that. For a moment she looked hurt and stunned, but she quickly masked her feelings and calmly nodded her head. 

“What were you doing there?” 

Gerard gave her a small glance that said ‘isn’t it obvious?’ but he soon looked down again, blushing. 

“I had been having… urges, a lot. I was starting to find it harder and harder to stop thinking about men in… that way. I thought if I went then, I don’t know… I don’t know what I thought. It was spontaneous, on my way home from work one night. I only ever went once.” 

“But once was enough.” Lindsay almost laughed, though everything in her was aching. “And what got you and Frank talking?”

“I don’t know. I was just… He was dancing, and I was just watching him.” Gerard was watching the water droplets make patterns on the plastic shower tray and thinking back to the way Frank’s body had moved that night. 

Frank was a wonderful dancer. He had a way of moving that was subtle but seductive, and though he didn’t try to, he captivated every single person in the building. He had been a little drunk the evening Gerard had watched him, and gorgeous, shining beads of sweat had glittered over his skin. His hips had made Gerard feel dizzy, the way they swayed and turned, and even without a single drop of alcohol Gerard had been drunk too.

“And then you approached him?” Lindsay cut into Gerard’s reverie with a question that sounded a little sharp. Gerard was so shy, she had made all the moves when they had first met, and she couldn’t believe he would have approached Frank just because he danced prettily. 

“No…” Gerard shook his head slowly, still hugging his knees. “He approached me.” 

“Why?” Lindsay was getting impatient, needing to hear how Frank had snared her husband. 

“I was leaving.” Gerard was oblivious to Lindsay’s eagerness, too engrossed in the water patterns. “I only stayed an hour, at most. Then I sort of realised what I was doing and I got spooked. I decided to go home so I left but then…” Gerard hesitated a second, swallowing thickly. 

“I was… Just walking to my car, I was… I was going to go home and then…” 

Lindsay realised with a jolt that Gerard was fighting tears, trying to get his words out at the same time as taking deep, calming breaths. Her own heart started to break to hear him. 

“Frank… F - Frank came up behind me and… This voice... “ Gerard closed his eyes a second, almost hearing Frank then, whispering huskily into his ear. “This voice just whispers to me… _it’s rude to watch someone and then not buy them a drink_...” 

At the time Gerard had damn near had a heart attack. And when he had turned to face Frank he had been embarrassed and flustered and had no idea what to do next. It was lucky really that Frank did. 

“Did you buy him a drink then?” Lindsay prompted gently, not wanting to make Gerard cry, though it was clear he was close to the edge. 

“Yes.” Gerard whispered the word like it was something filthy. “I let him pull me back into the bar, and I bought him a drink, and me a drink… for the nerves, ya know? And… And the whole time, I told myself I’d leave soon and then…” Gerard shook his head dizzily, not wanting to go into detail. “Well I… I didn’t come home that night.”

Lindsay listened to him, and then shook her head with wide, stunned eyes. She wracked her brains for any night Gerard had not come home, but came up blank. 

“I don’t remember you not coming home.” She sounded stupid even to her own ears, and she blushed when Gerard looked at her in surprise. 

“I told you I had stayed at the office, that I had a ton of work to do, had stayed late and ended up falling asleep at my desk.”

Now he said it, it did jog Lindsay’s memory a little bit but she could only vaguely remember the conversation. Clearly at the time she had not felt suspicious at all, and as far as she could remember it hadn’t bothered her that Gerard had been gone all night. She supposed that was a little neglectful of her. 

After a while of considering this, and trying to imagine how seduced Gerard must have been to not come home at all, she finally found her voice again. 

“So… You saw each other a lot after that right? Nearly every week?” Lindsay was trying to remember what Gerard had told her when she’d first found out. She had thought at the time that Frank and Gerard just saw each other for regular booty calls, now she was suspecting it was something deeper. 

“As much as we could really.” Gerard nodded, feeling sadder and sadder the more he spoke. “As much as I felt I could hide.” 

Lindsay flinched slightly at that, but otherwise didn’t respond. She was silent for a while again, thinking over everything until her head ached and then finally, with a deep, cleansing breath, she summoned the courage to ask the most important question of all. 

“Do you love him?” 

It was Gerard’s turn to flinch then. 

“Yes.” 

xXx

The next morning Gerard left the house early, before Lindsay and Bandit could wake up.

He had talked with Lindsay late into the night, answering all of her questions as honestly as he could. He saw no point in lying anymore, and he made it clear that he couldn’t help but feel deeply in love with Frank, even without seeing him for a year.

In the end Lindsay had cried, and Gerard had cried, but they had come to an agreement… Gerard needed to see Frank again. He needed to see him, speak to him, and decide once and for all whether he really could forget him, or whether it was time to stop trying with his marriage. 

Gerard hadn’t been able to sleep at all after that. He had laid awake all night, thinking about Frank, and then thinking about Lindsay and Bandit. Lindsay had told him that her and Bandit would be fine if he decided to ask for a divorce, but Gerard wasn’t so sure. How could they be fine? 

Gerard hated himself for even considering a divorce. If Lindsay had told him to make that choice a year ago he probably would have gone for it. But now it had been so long… What if Frank didn’t ever want to be with him again? And even if he did, he wasn’t so sure anymore if he wanted to give up his family life.

There was only one way to find out what he wanted, Gerard knew. And that was to see Frank one more time, and figure out if he really did still love him, or if he was just in love with the memories they had made. 

Gerard had visited Frank’s house a few times when they had been having their affair, but he hadn’t even been to the same street since it had ended. He didn’t know if Frank still lived there or not, but there was only one way to find out. 

Gerard drove to a cafe not far from Frank’s home and stayed there for a couple hours, drinking coffee and trying to plan what he was going to say when Frank opened the door. He wasn’t sure what he wanted exactly… Other than to see his face and hear his voice… He had nothing in particular he wanted to say to him. He certainly wasn’t going to tell him he was considering a divorce from his wife. 

It took four cups of coffee and a bagel before Gerard felt brave enough to get back into his car and make his way to Frank’s house. 

Once he arrived Gerard strode straight to the front door, before he could panic and run away again. He almost hoped Frank _had_ moved, not sure he was going to be able handle seeing him.

Gerard hesitated a second outside the door, knocking it only after he thought about Frank being punched again, and decided if nothing else he had to make sure he was okay. 

It felt like forever before Gerard finally heard the key turning in the lock. He braced himself, not sure if he could do this after all, but then the door was opening and Frank’s face was there… His beautiful, beat up face.

“Oh my G - Are you shitting me?” Frank’s initial shock turned to anger in no time at all, and almost as soon as he had opened the door he was shutting it again, right in Gerard’s face. 

“Whoa, no! Frank wait!” Automatically Gerard lunged forward and braced the door with his hands, squeezing his foot between the door and the frame to stop Frank from slamming it completely. “I just want to speak to you!” 

Gerard had to lean all of his weight against the door, Frank doing the same thing and the two men wrestled with the wood, trying to get the upperhand.

“Fuck off Gerard!” Frank snarled through clenched teeth, pressing against the door as hard as he could. “What the hell would you want to talk to me about?”

“Let me in and I’ll tell you.” Gerard retorted, the foot behind him scraping down the drive as he pushed hard against the door. “Please Frank…”

“No.” Frank leant back a moment and then lurched forward again, hoping momentum would swing the balance but Gerard didn’t budge. 

“Please!” Gerard begged again, the foot wedged against the door starting to ache where Frank was crushing it. “Frank, just give me five minutes, _please_.” 

“Why should I?” Frank turned around to lean his back against the door and try his luck that way. 

“Because…” Gerard huffed out a long breath, trying to think of a good reason. “Because I… I think I still love you.” 

It was pathetic really, and Gerard almost gave up with that. What was he even saying? Frank didn’t want to hear this. 

The door suddenly flew open and Gerard lurched forward, falling into the hallway with a yelp of surprise. 

Right in front of him he could see Frank’s bare feet, and he felt a ridiculous urge to suddenly kiss them, as though they were the feet of Christ. But then they were turning out of view and walking away before Gerard could even move. 

Frank disappeared into the living room and Gerard took a second before he managed to move his limbs and follow him. 

Frank ignored Gerard as rounded the coffee table and flopped onto the sofa, resting on his back with his legs stretched out in front of him. He was surrounded by blankets and there was a first aid kit open on the floor. The Smiths was playing on the stereo, and a half smoked cigarette was still burning in the ashtray on the table. 

“Say whatever it is you want to say and then get out.” Frank didn’t look at Gerard as he picked up some cotton wool that had been soaked in something, and began dabbing it on his ribs. He was wearing nothing but an open bathrobe and some underwear. 

Gerard’s mouth felt dry and his tongue thick as he stared at Frank. He was battered and bruised all over, but he still looked utterly divine. Gerard was overcome with a feeling of protectiveness over him, and he found all the carefully thought out words he had been planning to say had disappeared at the sight of him. 

On the stereo Morrissey was crooning, ‘ _I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now…’_

Frank waited for Gerard to find his tongue, keeping his gaze down as he dabbed gently over his ribs which Gerard could see were badly bruised. Frank had also gotten so thin that stretched out the way he was, his stomach looked almost sunken and his ribcage jutted forward. There was a new tattoo inked around his hips like a belt, words of some kind, but Gerard couldn’t read them from here. A large, black bruise covered most of it.

Worry gnawed intensely at the corners of Gerard’s mind, until it wiped away all of his nervousness. 

“I needed to see you. I… I was worried about you after last night.” 

“Why?” Frank’s voice was flat and emotionless, though his face kept twitching in pain as he tended to his freshest wounds. 

“Because I… I was worried that the man I saw you with had hurt you.” 

Frank couldn’t help but laugh at that, although it hurt him to do so. He shook his head as if Gerard had said something ridiculously funny, but still he didn’t look at him. 

“Frank, who was that man?” Gerard asked, taking a timid step forward so he could see Frank’s body more clearly. “Has he done all of this to you?”

“That’s none of your business.” Frank snorted, putting the cotton wool down on the coffee table and then grabbing a tube of cream from the first aid kit. He still didn’t glance up as he unscrewed the cap and squeezed a small blob of the white liquid onto his fingertips. 

“If he’s hurting you I want to know.” Gerard tried to sound stern, but he knew that Frank was right, it wasn’t any of his business. 

Frank ignored him and began rubbing the cream gently onto his bruises, making Gerard sigh and turn away for a second in frustration. As he did so he caught sight of a photo frame on the wall and he took a step towards it. 

The picture in the frame was of Frank and the man from the night before. In the photo Frank still had the shaved hair Gerard had known him with, and he looked like he was laughing as the man held him from behind. He looked happy… Not all the way to the eyes, but happy enough… 

Gerard felt sick, and Morrissey kept singing. 

_’Two lovers entwined passed me by, and heaven knows I’m miserable now…’_

“Is he your boyfriend?” Gerard sounded bitter even to his own ears, and he found he couldn’t turn himself away from the photograph. Who was that man? And how could he, how could _anyone_ hurt Frank? 

“Yes.” Frank’s voice sounded far away. 

“He hurts you.” Gerard didn’t need to ask the question to know the answer. He touched the side of the frame for a second and then turned away at last, spinning round to look at Frank who was sat up now, watching him as he slowly packed away the first aid kit. 

“Yes.” Frank responded to the statement anyway, his voice still flat though a small spark of something had begun to glitter in his eyes. Was it amusement? Or pain? 

“Frankie…” Gerard whispered harshly, stepping right up to him then and falling to his knees in front of him. Looking into his eyes then he knew that he still loved him, had always loved him and God damn him always would love him. “I’m so sorry this has happened to you.”

“Oh please!” Frank scoffed, slamming the first aid box shut and pushing to his feet so that Gerard fell away from him. “The last thing I want is for you to show back up because you feel sorry for me.” 

Frank felt stupid for letting Gerard into the house. He had been caught off guard by the word love and had been too weak to turn Gerard away. Now though he was pissed off. Of course Gerard had only come back because he had seen Dan hitting him last night, he should have known. 

“If the only reason you’re here is to ask me about my boyfriend then you can just leave now.” Frank left the room and then reappeared a few seconds later without the first aid box. He looked at Gerard full on then, eyes challenging him. 

“I… That isn’t why I came.” Gerard got slowly to his feet, his breathing heavy. “Frank, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you ever since I left you in that hotel room.” 

“You know I’m glad you brought that up.” Frank laughed hollowly, striding to the stereo and turning it off with a jab of his finger. Morrissey’s deep voice disappeared and the room felt tenser than before. 

“I’ve been meaning to thank you.” Frank turned to face Gerard again, his eyes full of anger. “Thanks for leaving me there, without so much as a good bye. Thanks for fucking me, and then taking off without another word. It did fucking wonders for my self esteem.” 

Frank’s voice was bitter, but nowhere near as bitter as his heart was. 

“Frank…” Gerard didn’t know what to say to that and he blushed guiltily. Truth be told he had never allowed himself to think about how Frank must have felt when he woke up in that big hotel bed, completely alone. 

“I didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to you.” He eventually admitted, shuffling his feet nervously. “I didn’t want to leave you…”

“But you did anyway.” Frank didn’t have the patience to hear Gerard talking like this. He had long stopped wishing that he might come crawling back. “What do you want Gerard? I’m tired, and if it’s okay with you, I’d like you to leave now so I can get some sleep.”

Frank’s voice made it clear that he didn’t actually care whether it was okay with Gerard or not, and already he was walking towards the hallway. 

“Frank, I wanted to see you again.” Gerard quickly sidestepped, blocking Frank’s way to the door. “The truth is all I’ve done this past year is think about you and when I saw you last night I knew that I was never going to be able to forget you. I… I think I made a mistake, leaving you.” 

Gerard could hardly believe he was actually saying it, but right then he knew it was true. He would get a divorce that very day if Frank would only say he wanted him back. 

“Frank I’m still in love with you. I never stopped loving you. Please… Please say you feel the same.” 

“No.” Frank looked alarmed at first and then he just looked pissed off. He couldn’t believe how pathetic Gerard was being and he shook his head, pulling his bathrobe tighter around himself. “No Gerard. I won’t say it. I have a boyfriend thank you very much, and unlike you, he hasn’t broken my heart.” 

Frank went to step past Gerard, but to his surprise the older man seized him by the shoulders and yanked him back in front of him. 

“You mean the asshole who’s been beating you up?” Gerard demanded, starting to feel angry himself. “You must be fucking stupid if you think I’m going to leave you here with him.”

“Get your hands off me.” Frank snarled, shoving out of Gerard’s grip with ease. Even though he was skinnier than ever, he was still just as strong. “If you don’t get out of my fucking house, then I’ll call the cops.” 

“Fine.” Gerard snapped, full of rage and hurt. “Call them and maybe we can tell them all about your abusive partner whilst we’re at it.” 

“He isn’t abusive Gerard.” Frank whispered venomously, his eyes boring into Gerard’s. “I _let_ him hurt me. I _like_ it. If I wanted him to stop, I’d have made him stop long ago.” Frank took advantage of Gerard’s shock to shove past him, striding into the hallway and towards the front door. 

“I… What?” Gerard’s anger dissolved as quickly as it had flared, his blood turning cold. Frank couldn’t be serious…

Instinctively Gerard stepped into the hallway, looking at Frank like a wounded animal as he yanked open the door and turned to face him with a scowl. 

“Why would you want to be hurt?” Gerard couldn’t understand at all, but he could tell that Frank had been honest when he had said it. Frank had never been into anything like that when they were together, and by the looks of his body he wasn’t being beaten sexually, just straight up beaten.

“I don’t want to talk anymore.” Frank pointed at the open doorway, keeping his gaze on Gerard. “Get out.”

“Frankie…” Gerard felt like everything in him was crumbling as he walked slowly to the door, tears burning in his eyes. “I don’t understand…”

“You can’t just come here, telling me you love me and expecting me to fall into your arms.” Frank whispered, and for the first time he looked as though he was close to tears as well. “You hurt me a hell of a lot more than you can even imagine, I don’t want to see you ever again.” 

Gerard didn’t know what to say to that. He walked slowly to the door and then turned to face Frank once he was on the doorstep, his lips slightly parted and his face a picture of shock. 

“Frank… Frank I love you.” 

“Tell someone who gives a shit.” Frank snapped, slamming the door in Gerard’s face and locking it before he could say another word. 

Once he felt safely alone again Frank charged straight up the stairs, diving into his bed and pulling the covers over his head so he could cry where no one would see him. 

xXx

Gerard kept away from Frank for another week, but only physically. In mind he was never away from him; He constantly thought about him, and worried about him, and wondered if he was safe or not. He felt sick knowing that he was allowing his boyfriend to beat him, and he wasn’t sure how long he could live with that knowledge before it destroyed him.

For seven days Gerard let it eat away at him. He told Lindsay the truth of everything, and she seemed to be worried too, though she couldn’t say she felt any protectiveness over Frank. As much as she disliked him for stealing her husband’s love, she didn’t like to think of him being hurt. Several times she advised Gerard to call the police, but neither of them did such a thing.

It was impossible for Gerard to focus on anything other than Frank. He struggled to work, struggled to eat, and even Bandit began to feel ignored as Gerard drifted from day to day like a ghost. Now he had told Frank he loved him he wasn’t able to shake the feeling of desire inside him, and he knew he would never rest until Frank was safe and back in his arms.

It was Lindsay who eventually suggested that he try going to Frank’s house again. She didn’t think Gerard would actually listen to her, and she felt disappointed when he did and left that very evening, taking off in his car without a single thought to how he might be making his wife feel.

Lindsay knew then that she had truly lost him, and there was no point in her trying to win him back. She wondered fleetingly if he would ever come running to her rescue, if she had been in Frank’s shoes. She knew deep down that he would not.

Gerard had thoughts only for Frank and he sped all the way to his house. It was evening this time, and when he pulled up outside Frank’s drive he could see the flashing light of a TV playing in the living room. There was also a car in the driveway that Gerard didn’t recognise and he realised with a jolt to his stomach that Frank’s boyfriend must be home.

Gerard almost turned and left then, but he forced himself to be strong and eventually got out of his car. 

This time his knock on the door was answered by the man Gerard now knew to be Frank’s boyfriend. He looked kind of scary close up, covered in tattoos and taller than he had realised. He imagined him throwing Frank around and felt an icy shard go down his spine.

“Hi is uh, is Frank home?” Gerard asked quickly, hoping the man wouldn’t recognise him as he gazed at him suspiciously from the doorway. 

“Who’s asking?” He demanded, keeping one hand on either side of the doorway to block Gerard’s way, as if he would ever try to get past him. 

“Dan who is it?” Frank’s soft call came from the direction of the living room, and Gerard’s heart gave a ridiculous flutter at the sound. 

“Some guy here asking for you.” Dan called back, never moving his gaze from Gerard. “Do I know you?” He asked him curiously, frowning. “I’m sure I’ve seen you…”

“Who is it?” Frank’s voice was closer then and he suddenly popped up over Dan’s shoulder, tiptoeing up to see who it was and his face fell to find it was Gerard. 

“Frank.” Gerard gasped, relieved to see him. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Not again.” Frank groaned, his tone impatient and Dan suddenly gasped in realisation. 

“Wait a second, you’re the guy from the bar that night, aren’t you?” He stepped out of the doorway, backing Gerard down the drive. “Who the hell are you and what do you want?” He demanded, his fists starting to clench and Gerard couldn’t help but gulp. 

“I’m an old friend of Frank’s.” He lied quickly, looking at Frank over the man’s shoulder and begging him with eyes to see him. “I just need to talk to him about something.”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to you.” Dan whispered dangerously, but then Frank suddenly appeared behind him again, touching his arm gently. 

“It’s okay.” He sighed, looking up into Dan’s face and smiling weakly at him. “I’ll be okay. Will you give us a second?” He asked gently, knowing that he would pay for this later, but Dan never let his domineering nature show in front of other people, especially not strangers. 

“Really?” Dan asked, obviously not happy and Frank knew he would be broken for this, but the damage was already done so he may as well see it through. 

“Yeah. I’ll be in in a second.” He promised, keeping his gentle smile on his face until Dan finally relented and walked back into the house. He looked over his shoulder at them one last time before closing the door, but Frank knew he would stay against it, hoping to hear their conversation.

“What do you want?” Frank sighed, turning to face Gerard at last and scowling at him. As much as he was annoyed at seeing Gerard again, his heart was racing with a hope he didn’t want to feel. He had never expected Gerard to be so stubborn, and it was sort of… nice. 

“I needed to see you again.” Gerard whispered, grabbing Frank’s hands automatically. “I can’t stay away from you Frank, not when I know you’re with him. I don’t care if you don’t love me anymore, I’m not asking you to be with me, just please… Please leave that guy.” Gerard had thought about what he was going to say on his drive here, and he said it all then as fast as he could. 

Frank looked at him like he was crazy for a moment, but then his face softened and Gerard dared to hope…

“God, you’re such an asshole.” Frank sighed, letting his tears show. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why can’t you just let me forget you?” 

“Because I can’t forget you.” Gerard whispered instantly, squeezing Frank’s hands tighter. “I love you, Frank.”

“Stop it.” Frank groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. “What about your wife?” 

“I’ll leave her.” Gerard said it immediately, touching Frank’s cheek with one hand gently, trying to make him look at him. “I should have left her a year ago. All I’ve done is hurt her and you more than was needed. But I can see how stupid I’ve been now, and I know I need to do the right thing. I’m _gay_ Frank and I’m not going to lie about it anymore. No matter what I’m going to leave her I just… I really want you to be there for me when I do.” 

“Jesus…” Frank whispered, still shaking his head with his eyes shut. It was the sort of thing he had imagined Gerard saying again and again in the year that had passed. He had hoped for this moment, yearned for it so strongly… And now it was here, he couldn’t bring himself to take the chance he was given. 

“I… I really hope you find peace Gerard.” Frank slowly drew his hands out of his ex-lovers, not daring to look him in the eye as he began to pull away. “I just… I don’t think that will be with me. Not anymore.” Frank didn’t really know why he said it. He supposed he just couldn’t trust Gerard anymore, even if he did love him, even if he did dream about him most nights and thought about him most days…

Frank had been broken beyond repair when he had woke alone in that hotel room, and as far as he was concerned, that could never be rectified. 

Gerard watched with growing despair as Frank walked back towards the house. He called after him, but his voice got stuck in his throat, and disbelief made him dizzy as Frank disappeared back into his home.

Gerard stood on the drive for a long time, wondering what to do then. He considered bashing down the door and refusing to leave until Frank came with him, but he felt so weak… Frank had crushed him, and he didn’t think he’d ever be strong again.

If he had known then just how ferociously Dan was attacking his boy he might have found some courage somewhere. But he didn’t know, and so he simply gave in, and returned to his car with a heavy heart and an ache in his head.

xXx

It was a work day and Gerard was up early, eating his breakfast at the kitchen table and staring at a newspaper. He wasn’t really reading it, too caught up in his thoughts about Frank but he tried to look like he was just having another normal day. 

Two weeks had drifted by since he had last seen his boy and it was torturing him. He didn’t know how much longer he could carry on, and had even considered going to a gay bar and just picking up someone else; anyone else. Anyone who would have him. Just to try and forget… Just to feel _something_ that wasn’t Frank related. 

He hadn’t gone to a bar though. He hadn’t done anything, really. Other than mope around.

Suddenly a small stack of paper slid into Gerard’s line of vision, held next to his cereal bowl by a perfectly manicured hand. A hand he’s know anywhere. 

Gerard looked up to Lindsay’s face and raised his eyebrows questioningly at her. Her own face was carefully set, giving nothing away. 

“What’s this?” Gerard asked, looking back to the paper that he couldn’t be bothered to read. 

“Divorce papers.” Lindsay kept her voice calm, trying to be gentle. She had come to realise that Gerard wasn’t going to make the decision for himself, so she had decided to do it for him. Gerard may have felt tortured over Frank, but he was torturing her as well. 

“What?” Gerard felt a wave of dizziness wash over him and he almost fell from his chair. He looked at the papers properly then and realised with a sickening sensation that they really were divorce documents. 

“Lindsay-”

“Just sign them.” Lindsay tried to stop her tears from falling as she slid the papers closer to Gerard. She took a pen from her pocket and placed it on top of the stack. “It’s the right thing to do.”

“I… Shouldn’t we talk about this?” Gerard didn’t think he had the strength to argue about it. Deep down he wanted nothing more than to sign them. But he was sick of hurting people. 

“No.” Lindsay shook her head and pushed the papers closer and closer. “This is what I want. And I think you do too. It’s time we stop pretending, Gerard.” 

Well… What could he say to that? He considered trying to talk her out of it, or convince her that she was wrong, but how could he? He was gay. He was gay, and in love with someone else, and his wife knew it just as much as he did. 

Gerard sighed and picked up the pen. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as he carefully signed the bottom of the correct page. Lindsay began to cry as she watched him, but she tried not to make it obvious.

“I know.” She breathed, taking the papers back as soon as he was finished and walking away so she could be alone. 

Gerard watched her go, not sure how to feel. In the end he simply got up, grabbed his jacket and left the house. There was nothing else he could do. 

xXx

The Smiths was playing again, but Frank couldn’t really hear it with his head under water. 

The year apart from Gerard had been hard as it was, but the past few weeks had been the hardest of all. Now he was finding it impossible to stop thinking about his ex lover, and the more he thought about him the more he hurt. He had come close to self-harming several times, just desperate to bring the inner pain out, but Dan beat him enough to keep him sated… for now. 

Their fights had become more frequent since Gerard had waltzed back into Frank’s life, and now-a-days Frank could barely make it out of bed in the morning without something aching from the night before. 

He had spent the whole of that day tending to his new bruises and thinking about Gerard. He found he kept glancing hopefully out of the window, wishing that the man himself would appear and beg him to take him back again. Frank wasn’t so sure he would refuse this time.

Come the evening Frank had been close to tears again, so upset and consumed by his love for Gerard, that he had decided to take a bath to try and relax. 

He wasn’t sure at what point he had decided to sink slowly beneath the water, but once his entire body was submerged and he was lying flat across the bottom of his large bathtub, he felt the calmest he had in a long time.

The water pressing against him blunted the noise of his stereo playing in his bedroom, so that The Smiths sounded far, far away. Mostly all he could hear was the soft gurgle of water in the pipes beneath him, and that suited him just fine. 

Frank had his eyes closed, his lips parted just enough to feel the warm water against his teeth. He felt engulfed by warmth and softness, the water caressing him gently all over. He lay under the surface until his chest began to burn, but somehow he still couldn’t bring himself to sit up. He was so tranquil, peaceful after what felt like years of inner conflict, he wanted to stay under the water forever. 

He may even have done just that, if Dan’s hands hadn’t suddenly splashed into the water and seized him by the shoulders. 

Frank gasped automatically as he was yanked roughly up out of the water, some of the liquid getting into his lungs and he choked as Dan slammed him up against the cold, tiled wall that the bath was set against. His head bashed against the porcelain and his feet slipped awkwardly against the bottom of the tub as Dan pinned him with his arms. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” Dan shouted into Frank’s face as the young man continued to cough and splutter. “I’m sick of coming home to find you like this Frank, I’m sick of you trying to kill yourself!” 

Frank struggled to breathe as water rattled in his lungs, his eyes wide one moment and then screwed up the next. He tried to understand what Dan was saying, but the shock was making him confused. Had he been trying to kill himself? It hadn’t felt like it at the time, but maybe he had. 

“Fucking say something!” Dan shouted, giving Frank a shake that made his head swim. 

“I - I - S - Stop!” Frank managed to choke, gasping for air. He lifted his hands to Dan’s and gripped them tight, trying to pry them away but he had no strength. “I - I - I wasn’t!” 

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” Dan snarled, his voice still loud in Frank’s ears. “You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t know what you were trying to do?” 

“N - No…” Frank gasped, just managing to find his breath again before Dan suddenly pressed a hand to his throat and gripped tight. Immediately Frank began choking again, his nails digging into Dan’s hands but it was like he couldn’t even feel them. 

“If you want to die so bad Frank then just tell me, and I’ll do you the honours myself!” Dan looked upset, more upset than he usually got when he was mad. His eyes were sparkling with unshed tears and Frank was so stunned he stopped struggling. 

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Dan demanded, his voice starting to break as he tightened his grip on Frank’s throat. He watched as Frank’s mouth opened and closed, his neck muscles tight as he struggled to breath. Soft, strangled sounds were coming from his open mouth, his eyes wide and growing bloodshot. Dan squeezed tighter, starting to tremble himself. He could kill Frank right there and then, it would only take a moment, he wouldn’t even try to stop him.

Dan let Frank go suddenly and without warning, turning away as Frank collapsed into the bathtub, sending water flying everywhere. 

“I can’t keep doing this Frank.” Dan strode out of the bathroom, running both hands through his hair. He felt like his head was on fire he was so angry, and he turned back without thinking. “You make me so fucking mad!”

Frank could barely hear Dan over his own rasping breaths, his throat felt sore and tight still and he gasped desperately for air. His knees hurt from where he had landed in the bath and he shook all over as he tried to push himself to his feet using his hands, barely getting halfway before Dan was pulling him up again, by the hair this time. 

“Do you even care what you do to me!?” Dan looked on the brink of tears, but his face was screwed up with anger. It was a look Frank recognised, for the most part. 

“Dan…” He choked, not even sure what he wanted to say. He didn’t get chance to figure it out though, because then Dan was punching him as hard as he could, first in the face, and then in the stomach. 

Frank groaned in pain as Dan dragged him out of the tub, hitting him over, and over, and over again. He hadn’t lost control this badly for a long time, and the last time he had Frank had fought back until he calmed down. Frank didn’t feel like fighting back this time though, and he lay crumpled on the floor, waiting for the blows to stop. 

He realised that they had after what felt like an age. He opened one eye and looked blearily up to the ceiling. Dan was gone, but he didn’t know for how long. He didn’t even know where he was anymore. Had he passed out? Maybe… Maybe he was going to do it again, too…

xXx

After finishing work Gerard still couldn’t bare to go home, and so he found himself sitting in the bar he had watched Frank’s band in those weeks before, nursing a beer he didn’t really want. 

All day his thoughts had been torn between Frank and Lindsay, between his desperation for Frank to love him again, and the divorce papers he had signed that morning. He hated himself for hurting his wife, and he hated himself for losing Frank. It seemed that all he had done was make the wrong choices from the start. 

Gerard jumped out of his thoughts when the bar stool next to him scraped across the floor. He glanced out the corner of his eye to see a man sitting down beside him and he sighed, quickly taking a sip of his beer to try and appear natural.

The barman walked past him to serve the new customer, pouring him a large slug of whisky and then leaving him the bottle. Gerard almost chuckled; at least someone else was having a bad day too. 

Gerard looked across at the man, wondering whether to ask him about it. The man met his gaze at the same time, and Gerard’s stomach sank to realise it was Frank’s boyfriend who had joined him. As if his day couldn’t get any worse. 

“Hey…” Dan’s lips parted in surprise and he leant forward to be closer to Gerard, resting one elbow on the bar as he did so. “You’re that guy who came looking for Frank, aren’t you?” 

“I uh… I… Yes.” Gerard didn’t know what else to say. He had imagined a lot recently how he would give Dan a piece or two of his mind if he ever saw him again. He had even go so far as to daydream about fighting him and tackling him to the ground. He had fantasised several times about standing over him and spitting in his face, warning him that if he ever hurt Frank again then… Well. Now it came down to it, Gerard found he was pathetically incapable of doing anything at all. 

“Frank told me you’re an admirer, who won’t leave him alone.” Dan kept his eyes on Gerard as he took a slow sip of his whisky. “Is that true?” 

A shiver ran down Gerard’s spine and he shuddered, struggling to find his tongue. 

“Uh, well, uh… Not exactly.” He stuttered, ashamed of how frightened he felt. 

“Hmm…” Dan took another sip of whisky and then topped up his glass with the bottle, never moving his eyes from Gerard. “It wouldn’t surprise me, he gets a lot of attention… But then it wouldn’t surprise me if he was lying too.” Dan sighed and shook his head, finally turning to face forward again, looking at the shelves of the bar. “He always tells lies to piss me off.” 

“He does?” Gerard was surprised to hear that, never having thought Frank much of a liar. 

“Yeah.” Dan scoffed, shrugging and tutting to himself as he swirled his whisky around its glass. “Truth be told Gerard - It is Gerard right?” Frank had told Dan Gerard’s name, but he might have lied about that too. 

Gerard nodded dumbly, his tongue feeling numb in his mouth. 

“Well, Gerard. Truth be told, I’ve got a bit of an anger issue.” Dan wasn’t sure why he was coming clean to Gerard, of all people. He supposed he just needed someone to talk to, and by the next evening it wouldn’t matter what he had said, because he’d be long gone. 

“The thing with Frank is, I don’t know why he does it, but he just knows what buttons to push when it comes to me. And he just does what he can to make me angry all the time.” Dan knocked back his whisky and promptly poured another. 

Gerard was gawping at him as if he’d grown another head. Speaking to him now, Dan had a lovely, lilting sort of accent and a gentle way of framing his words. If Gerard had only just met him he’d have never have guessed that he frequently beat his boyfriend. 

“Why would he want you to get mad?” He asked skeptically, though he couldn’t help but think back to what Frank had said to him that day in his house, when he had told Gerard that if he wanted Dan to stop, then he could stop him. 

“I don’t know.” Dan shrugged and downed his third glass of whisky, pouring another as he blew a long stream of air out of his pursed lips. “I think it’s like a… I dunno, a self harm thing.” 

“Self harm?” Gerard stared at Dan with even wider eyes. “You hurt him.” Of course Gerard knew the truth already, but he wouldn’t have guessed that Dan himself would admit it. 

“I… I don’t mean to.” Dan choked down his whisky and then turned his eyes to Gerard, his face screwed up as if in pain. “But yes, I do. I can’t help it sometimes he just… He makes me so _mad_.” 

“And you think he wants you to?” Gerard asked, feeling almost breathless.

“I _know_ he does.” Dan scoffed, his hand trembling as he filled his glass once more. “He’s never been a happy guy, never since I’ve known him. All he ever does is listen to The Smiths and mope about. And I can tell he winds me up on purpose. I’ve caught him trying to kill himself about four times now.” Dan swallowed down his whisky and began to re-pour, his words starting to come quicker now. 

“Sometimes I do go too far, ya know? I’ve really hurt him bad once or twice. I mean, when I saw you I was really angry that night because he told me you were like, an admirer or whatever.” Dan eyed Gerard suspiciously then, seeming to remember that he wasn’t supposed to like him. 

“I’m an old friend.” Gerard quickly cut in, not wanting Dan to stop talking. He had grown cold over all he had heard so far, but he felt like he hadn’t even heard all of it yet. “I have a wife.” 

This seemed to placate Dan who relaxed and nodded, turning back to his whisky. 

“That’s good… That he has a friend I mean. I’ve never even met Frank’s family, he doesn’t see a soul. No friends, no nothing. Just me and him. I thought I was the only one who’d know if he topped himself. But now you’re back, you can take care of him.” 

“What do you mean?” Gerard asked, tempted to take the whisky off Dan who was knocking the drink back like it was water. 

“I’m leaving him.” Dan’s words nearly sent Gerard to the floor in shock. 

“What?” He gasped. 

“Yeah.” Dan gave a mirthless laugh, shaking his head sadly. “I caught him trying to drown himself tonight, and you know what? I was so upset, so _angry_ I nearly fucking killed him myself.” Dan gulped down some more whisky, his voice husky from the alcohol. “It’s fucked up isn’t it? It’s so fucked up. I can’t stay here anymore, we’re not good for each other. I’m leaving. Tonight.” 

Gerard opened and closed his mouth like an idiot, not sure what to say. He felt like he’d heard enough to last him a lifetime now and he began to get to his feet, shaking his head in a daze. “Is Frank okay?”

“He doesn’t know I’m leaving.” Dan shrugged, looking at Gerard with a small frown. “He was unconscious when I left.” Dan seemed to realise for the first time what he was saying and he hesitated a moment, drank another glassful for courage and then looked into Gerard’s eyes again. “I think… Maybe you should go to him. Make sure he’s okay.” 

Gerard certainly didn’t need telling twice. He turned away from Dan without a single word and began to stride through the bar, pushing past people who got in his way and then breaking into a run once he had made it outside. 

He hadn’t even finished his first beer, and besides, Dan’s words would have sobered him up even if he’d drank ten. He dashed to his car as fast as he could, wondering how badly Dan had hurt Frank; it must be bad, for him to realise that Frank would need someone… 

Gerard just hoped he hadn’t been left long. He hadn’t thought to ask Dan whether he had come straight to the bar. 

Gerard dove into his car and started the engine before he had even closed the door. He was pulling out of the parking lot and making his way to Frank’s house within seconds, barely paying attention to his surroundings, he was so eager to make it to Frank.

It was a miracle, with his crazy driving, that he made it to Frank’s house both in one piece and without attracting the attention of any police. Luck, for once, was on his side. 

Once he had parked on Frank’s drive Gerard climbed out of the car and stopped to look at the house. Lights were on upstairs, but downstairs looked dark and deserted. He hesitated for just a moment, wondering whether he was over-worrying, and whether he would be better off leaving. But then he thought of the divorce papers he had signed, and everything Dan had said, and he found himself striding through the house before he’d even made the conscious effort to move. 

Gerard didn’t waste time in looking for Frank downstairs, and instead made his way straight to the staircase. He took the steps two at a time, darting up to the first floor where he could hear The Smiths playing loudly from the bedroom. 

_And I know it’s over, still I cling. I don’t know where else I can go. It’s over, it’s over, it’s over._

Gerard dashed down the hallway and into the bedroom, bursting through the door and then coming to a halt when he found the room empty. Morrissey’s voice became a buzz in Gerard’s ears as he began to panic, circling the room as if Frank would appear if he only looked from a different angle. 

Gerard looked under the bed, just in case Frank had fallen to the floor or something, but there was nothing there. The bed was perfectly made, the whole room neat and tidy. It was as if no one had ever been there at all.

For a moment Gerard was stunned, and then he remembered Dan’s words about Frank trying to drown himself and dread washed over him.

Morrissey kept singing. _It’s over, over, over_ , and Gerard prayed it wasn’t a premonition. 

Gerard had been to Frank’s house before of course, but had never actually been to his bathroom. He opened the door to a spare room, and then to a cupboard full of towels, before he found the right door. 

The bathroom light was on, and Gerard stepped inside only after calling Frank’s name. When he got no reply he walked in anyway, coming to a standstill with the door open behind him.

_Love is natural and real, but not for you my love. Not tonight my love. Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I my love._

Morrissey was still crooning in the bedroom, and Gerard could hear him. The Smiths were becoming the soundtrack to a scene that looked like it had come from a bad movie, and Gerard felt like he must be dreaming.

The bathroom floor was soaking wet, the bathtub half full of water and Gerard could see it was cold even without touching it. 

There was a small spot of blood on one of the tiles on the wall by the bath, and more blood smudged on the floor. 

In the centre of the room Frank was lying in a small heap, curled up into a tight ball. His hair was wet, but his skin was only slightly damp from where he had begun to dry. His skinny frame was coated in bruises, and there was a small build up blood in his hair on the back of his head. He was perfectly still, perfectly pale… He could have even been dead. 

_Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head… Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head… Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head…_

Morrissey’s deep voice made Gerard feel like he was in a trance as he walked, dreamlike, into the bathroom. He slipped down onto his knees beside Frank and gently took hold of his shoulders, ever so slowly turning him onto his back. 

Fear was gripping Gerard’s chest, making him feel breathless. He didn’t know what to expect as he turned Frank over, part of him expected to simply find him dead.

As Frank turned his eyelids began to flutter, and when he opened them completely Gerard’s sweet face slowly came into focus. 

Gerard sighed a deep breath of relief, almost crying to see Frank’s beautiful eyes looking at him. 

“Frank… Oh God, Frank what has he done to you?” Now he had turned him he could see a deep purple band around Frank’s neck, tinged red in places and making the perfect outline of a hand. It made Gerard feel strangled just seeing it. 

Frank’s naked body was all bone and bruised skin, his tattoos obscenely bold against the paleness of his flesh. He was freezing cold and a little clammy, and though he looked at Gerard his eyes went in out of focus, as if he was delirious. 

“Frank… Frank please speak to me, tell me you’re okay.” Gerard pleaded, cradling the skeleton in his arms.

_Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head…_

“Gerard…” Frank wasn’t sure if he was hallucinating or not. His head hurt terribly, and his throat felt hoarse. He knew he had pushed Dan too far but he hadn’t actually meant to this time… He wasn’t sure anymore if he had wanted to die or not, he wasn’t even sure what had happened anymore. 

He could vaguely recognise the sounds of The Smiths coming from his bedroom, and he recognised Gerards face just fine. Surely he was hallucinating. 

“Frank, are you okay?” Gerard forced himself to calm down and speak more clearly now. “Tell me.” 

“Gerard…” Frank gave a strange, crooked smile. He weakly lifted a hand to lay on Gerard’s chest, feeling his heartbeat through his shirt, it was soothing. 

“Gerard…” Frank whispered again, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. “Gerard, kill me.” 

“What?” Gerard jolted in surprise, instantly tightening his grip on Frank and holding him closer to his chest. “Don’t say things like that! What are you talking about?” Frank’s words made Gerard feel afraid and he lifted Frank more into his lap, one hand gently cupping the back of his neck to tilt their faces closer. 

“Please Gerard…” Frank whispered, opening his eyes again and gazing adoringly into the face he loved. “Please, if you love me… Please kill me.” 

“I’m not going to do that.” Gerard said firmly, cupping Frank’s cheek and then slowly touching his forehead. His skin was ice cold. 

“I’m going to take care of you Frank.” Gerard tried to sound authoritative, refusing to hear any argument as he carefully lifted Frank up and got to his feet. “I’m going to protect you.” 

“No…” Frank groaned in pain, shaking his head and then turning to bury his face into Gerard’s shirt. “I want to die… I want to… Please, Gerard… Please kill me.” 

“Stop it.” Gerard snapped, walking quickly back to Frank’s bedroom. “Don’t you dare ask that of me. I won’t hurt you.” Gerard wasn’t sure if Frank was even aware of what he was saying, but he didn’t want to hear it either way. His words sent icy shivers down his spine. 

Gerard gently lay Frank down on his bed, leaving him there so he could stride to the stereo and turn off The Smiths album that had now turned to please, please, please let me get what I want. Gerard had gone through a Smiths phase when he was at college, but he suddenly found he hated them now. 

“You need to stop listening to this depressing shit.” Gerard turned off the stereo and then strode out of the bedroom to the cupboard he had opened earlier. He selected the largest, fluffiest towel he could find and then hurried back to Frank.

His young lover looked like he was sleeping, but he opened his eyes again when Gerard wrapped him up in the towel. He smiled weakly at him and for a moment Gerard felt like his heart completely stopped. 

“Gerard…” Frank whispered, starting to shiver as his body realised how cold it was. “I’m sorry I told you to leave before…” Frank was starting to think clearer now, though he felt closer to falling asleep. 

“Don’t apologise to me.” Gerard sighed, concentrating on drying Frank off as quickly as he could. “I’m the sorry one… I’m so sorry, Frank.” 

“Don’t…” Frank sighed, closing his eyes and allowing himself to drift in and out of focus for a moment. When he properly came to again, the towel was gone and he was wearing a pair of boxer shorts. He had been tucked under two duvets, his, and the one from the spare room too. 

“Gerard?” Frank struggled to sit up and looked around anxiously, relaxing only when he saw that Gerard was still there, sat by the window and smoking a cigarette. “Hey…”

Gerard quickly put out his cigarette and forced a smile, blowing away the last of his smoke. He got to his feet and wiped his hands on his jeans, then walked over to the bed when Frank held his arms out to him. He looked so young then, like a child in need of care, and Gerard was hopelessly in love with him.

“You’re still here.” Frank sighed with relief, pulling Gerard down beside him as soon as he was close enough. He tucked himself into his arms and buried his face in his neck, feeling choked up when Gerard’s familiar scent touched his senses. 

“I couldn’t leave.” Gerard admitted, though he had considered it. He had wondered if Frank would be angry to see him once he came back to his senses, but in the end he couldn’t just leave him to wake up alone. 

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Frank’s lips brushed tenderly against Gerard’s neck as he spoke. “But what about your wife? Will she wonder where you are?”

“We’re getting divorced.” It didn’t exactly answer Frank’s question, but Gerard blurted it out anyway. “I signed the papers this morning.”

“Really?” Frank didn’t know how to feel and he slowly peeked up at Gerard from his spot against his neck. “Why?” 

“Because… We’re not meant for each other.” Gerard looked into Frank’s sweet eyes and slowly tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear. “She understood… We still need to discuss everything that’s going to happen now but… It’s over. Properly over.”

“Gee…” Frank’s heart was starting to race and he tried not to get his hopes up as he gazed at his ex lover. Gerard was so handsome, older than him by a lot, sure. But Frank loved that, he felt so safe with Gerard, so seduced. He had been lost without him. 

“Look, I know that what I did to you before will take a lot of making up for.” Gerard sighed, caressing Frank’s cheek and gently kissing his forehead. Frank hadn’t pushed him away yet, and that gave him hope. “But I’ve been fucked without you, and I think… Maybe you’ve been the same without me.” Gerard looked at Frank with hopeful eyes then. “I’m not saying let’s move in together and get married. But at the least could you just… just one date?” 

Frank couldn’t help but let his lips twitch into a small smile, finding Gerard so cute. How could he continue to say no? He had been beaten for a year straight and finally, _finally_ , it was enough.

“I… A date would be nice.” He whispered, sighing when Gerard sighed with relief and kissed him at long last. 

Frank felt as though his lips had been waiting for that kiss ever since he had woken up alone in that hotel room and he groaned in quiet delight. He fisted his hands into Gerard’s shirt and clung tight, knowing he would never let go again.

“Maybe once you’re officially single, and if the dating goes well, I could… I could be your boyfriend.” Frank had never actually been Gerard’s boyfriend, but he was pretty sure he was never going to see Dan again now, and he wanted nothing more than to be in a relationship with the man he had loved for three years.

“I’d love that.” Gerard smiled, nuzzling kisses into Frank’s bruised neck. “As long as you promise me one thing…”

“What?” Frank asked, frowning slightly. He wasn’t sure Gerard could make conditions really, not after all he had put him through. 

“You have to swear to stop listening to the fucking Smiths.” 

Frank blinked stupidly for a second and then slowly, slowly, he began to laugh. He almost cried at the same time, but he nodded his head quickly, tangling his hands into Gerard’s hair and pulling his face close. 

“I promise.” He laughed, sealing it with a deep, wanton kiss before softly singing. “Nothings changed, I still love you… Oh I still love you…”

“Enough.” Gerard laughed, silencing Frank with another kiss and knowing deep in his core that he had finally made the right decision.


End file.
